Month: May 2019

TRUMP CLEARED!

In a sidebar to Robert Mueller’s Wednesday statement, in which he stated he had no statement to make about his 400-page statement that he stated stands on its own, one truth that went unstated is Trump’s apparent innocence of the 1932 kidnapping death of Charles and Anne Lindbergh’s infant son.

In off the record comments, Mueller confirmed his initial conclusion: He found no evidence of collusion between Trump and Bruno Hauptman, who was convicted and executed for the baby’s death.

Initially, Mueller also stressed that he has no proof that Trump was NOT guilty of the heinous crime. He softened that position slightly when informed by White House officials that Trump was born in 1946, 14 years after the Lindbergh case was closed.

Charles Lindbergh … Who knows what secrets he took to his grave … if he is really dead?

“That sounds pretty solid … but I have no way of proving the Conspirator in Chief was really born after 1932,” Mueller said.

Trump spokesperson Sarah Sanders demanded that the case be closed, and then dropped a tantalizing proposition.

“If Barack Obama was born in Hawaii as he claims — a claim we find questionable — it would have placed him close to the Lindbergh’s home in Hawaii.

“Lindbergh allegedly died when Obama was allegedly 13 years old. . .so who knows what kind of collusion they could have been guilty of?” Sanders added. “Just sayin…”

We tried to confirm these worrisome revelations, but suspiciously enough, Charles Lindbergh, Bruno Hauptman and Robert Mueller were all unavailable for comment.

Bruno Richard Hauptmann: Did he kill the Lindbergh Baby AND vote Republican?

Obama and Trump, meanwhile, were both playing golf, presumably not together.

Postscript: The Lindbergh baby would have been 87 years old this year. House Democrats are on record opposing a Republican suggestion that exhumation, in the interest of transparency, might be necessary.

This is an artist’s depiction of how the Lindbergh Baby might look at age 87:

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Delta’s leaky direct mail faucet

I sincerely hope that Delta Airlines keeps better track of its maintenance records and pilot drug tests than it does Delta SkyMiles members. Nearly 20 years ago, a friendly relationship I enjoyed with Atlanta-based Delta came to an abrupt end. I had amassed well over a million miles on Delta, but suffice it to say I was less than impressed with the company’s indifference to several customer service issues in rapid succession. So I sent them a strongly worded Dear Wilbur and Orville letter, switched my airline allegiance, taxied off to a different concourse, and never looked back. Until now.

I haven’t set another foot on a Delta jetway, and have no plans to do so. But, by golly, I have to hand them one thing: Delta marketers are relentless. Promotional mailings have followed me all these years, through two address changes and despite a zero percent response rate.

Old pals from Delta update my account and remind me I still have zero miles toward purchase of travel pillows, eye shades and domestic upgrades from back-of-the-bus to grunge class. It offers me Gold MasterCards, Titanium Visas and puke green Amex plastic. Glam vacations to safe-haven ocean resorts surrounded by MS13 and El Chappo are hawked. Proud announcement is made of an inch added to legroom and a rock-solid commitment to try pretty hard to hold the line on luggage fees until at least a week from Tuesday.

I have a confession to make: Until today, I hadn’t looked closely at an envelope from Delta for close to 10 years. So in the interest of accuracy and journalistic integrity I opened one. Sure enough, it showed I have a zero mile balance, but then offered me 35,000 big ones just for ordering a credit card with a $95 annual fee and an APR that blew my calculator battery.

Deliver me from Delta

Hey, Delta: Thanks for the love, but please stop writing. I still don’t like you, and I don’t want whatever you’re selling.

8 on a date … May 17

Populate a planet long enough, and something interesting is bound to happen. Here’s a sampling from May 17s past …

1536 — Henry VIII paid his executioner overtime to clear the way for marriage to Jane Seymour. Five alleged perps knelt before Hank’s axe after a show trial that didn’t require a lunch break. Most notable among those executed for charges including treason and incest was Henry’s out-of-favor and out-of-luck Queen, Anne Boleyn. Her brother-in-law, 2nd Viscount of Rochford George Boleyn, was also beheaded. Many historians believe the 32-year-old man was innocent of consorting with his Sister-Queen. Henry was so grief stricken that he waited three days to remarry.

Anne Boleyn
Henry VIII

1749 — A pox on your house if you don’t celebrate the birthday of Edward Jenner, the Father of Immunology. History and science tell us that Jenner developed the vaccine that would end the deadly scourge of small pox and pave the way for many effective vaccines. Daryl Hannah, who is not a doctor but hopes to play one on TV, is one of the well-intentioned cranks who insist Jenner actually aided development of autism. Thanks to Hannah and late-night radio conspiracy freaks, we are currently experiencing outbreaks of measles and whooping cough. Score one for the tinfoil hatters.

Daryl Hannah has been an anti-vaccination activist since having an adverse reaction in her lower extremities to an anti-extremity shot.

1829 — John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, died on this date at age 83. We wonder what he would make of the overtly political Washington Nine that rules on constitutional matters these days from behind the looking glass.

John Jay
John Roberts and Donald
“Whaddya mean I can’t fire you?” Trump.

1903 — James “Cool Papa” Bell never played a game in the major leagues, yet
was welcomed into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1974. Thought to be one of the very fastest stars in baseball history, Bell was sadly denied a shot in the “bigs” because he played center field while Black. He was a star on Negro and Mexican League championship teams and played professionally for nearly 30 years. How fast was he? Let’s ask legendary pitcher and one-time roommate Satchel Paige: “One Time he hit a line drive against me right past my ear. I turned around and saw the ball hit him sliding into second.”

Speedster James “Cool Papa” Bell
1903 – 1991

1961 — New Age songstress Enya, whose catalog is way better for insomnia than a bottle and-a-half of Sominex, was born this date in Ireland’s County Donegal. Among the high-powered titles of her hard-rocking lullabies are A Day Without Rain and The Memory of Trees. Seriously?

Enya: Pick up the energy, sweetheart, and maybe we’ll get you a last name.

1975 — My but times do change in the lives of elderly rock and rollers. Forty-four years ago today, Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger needed 20 stitches to put his hand back together after he tested the tensile strength of a restaurant window and his knuckles won. These days, the 75-year-old sports chest scars following a doctor’s test of the tensile strength of Mick’s sternum: The scalpel and bone saw won, but so did Jagger. After insertion of a replacement aortic valve, he plans to tour again.

Michael Philip Jagger: More than a pretty face.

1984 — Cincinnati Reds pitching ace Mario Soto accomplished a rare feat back in 1975 when he struck out four batters in one inning. Pretty much any American knows that in baseball there are only three outs per inning. But pretty much any real baseball fan can explain the four-out scenario. On the other hand, folks with no interest in baseball are probably not even reading this sentence. So, look it up in your Funk and Wagnall.

Mario Soto
Dominican Republic MLB standout

1996 — Motorsports history is sadly littered with tragic results from pushing the envelope of speed a bit too hard. Nowhere is this more true than in the famed Indianapolis 500, set for its 103rd running on May 26. One of the most stunning fatalities at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway came on this date 23 years ago. Always fast on the 2.5-mile Indy oval, veteran Scott Brayton clinched the coveted pole position and was the 1996 pre-race favorite. But he perished in a practice crash while putting a backup car through its paces. Brayton was 37.

Scott Brayton

New Homey for Comey?

Shoes change feet in the swamp…

Will the hunters become the hunted?

The real estate job market is looking up in a variety of wonderlands and hell holes around the world.

With years of investigation into foreign election interference, and beginnings of investigations of the investigations, certain pillars of American society have been heard mentioning Plan B to their retirement consultants and criminal defense attorneys.

As a public service, we provide the following tourism suggestions to anyone in Washington who shivers at the sound of a ringing telephone. With thanks to Wikipedia . . .

Places to visit when you might not be welcome back: The United States has diplomatic relations, but no extradition treaties, with the following

Yippee, let’s go see the Ayatollah and Rocket Man! The United States has no diplomatic relations or extradition agreements with the following:

On the lookout for colluders or, failing that, housing at a non-extradition, minimum security gulag.

Don’t plan on a direct flight, but you can hide deeper than witness protection in some of these final spots. Countries not recognized by the USA include some not deserving of their own zip code . . . But also political football Taiwan.

Say hi to Paul Manafort and Anthony Weiner if you run into them at a CIA field office or Clinton for Emperor HQ.

8 on this date

May 13 in history, pop culture & parts unknown

Stuff happens all the time. Some of it on May 13. Check out these eight events of May 13 vintage, chosen entirely arbitrarily, simply because I can. Pay close attention. There might be a quiz.

May 13, 1884 — Poetic justice? The grim reaper came calling for Cyrus McCormick, inventor of the mechanical reaper.

Cyrus McCormick

May 13, 1914 — Future greatness: Heavyweight Champion of the World Joe Louis is born in Alabama. Arguably the greatest boxer ever, Louis won 66 of 69 professional fights and reigned as Heavyweight Champion for 12 consecutive years. Much more than an athlete, the Brown Bomber was a cultural icon. After a sudden heart attack claimed his life in 1981, Joe Louis was afforded the honor of internment at Arlington National Cemetery.

Boxing legend Joe Louis

May 13, 1918 — The U.S. Post Office issues its first-ever AirMail postage stamp at a price of 24 cents. Billions of mail deliveries later, USPS is still out there in the rain, sleet and snow . . . losing billions of dollars every year. Adjusted for inflation over the past 101 years, a 2018 stamp would cost $4.50 today. The actual price of a stamp today is 55 cents. Ironically, the 1918 stamp featured an iconic Jenny biplane, flying inverted. Seems fitting: Post Office balance sheets have been upside down ever since.

USPS: Government efficiency
at its finest.

May 13, 1931 — To the eventual gratification of absolutely no one, Jim Jones is born in Indiana on this date. He would become a preacher, found the People’s Temple, move it to South America, and then become responsible for nearly 1,000 deaths when his narcissism and paranoia intersected tragically at Jonestown.

Jim Jones: Madman

May 13, 1941 — Forever 17: An Iowa plane crash’s victims include rock and roll pioneer Buddy Holly, disk jockey and novelty songster The Big Bopper and teen heartthrob Richie “LaBamba” Valens. Valens was born on this date in California and perished three months shy of his 18th birthday.

Richie Valens: 1941 – 1958
The day the music died.

May 13, 1950 — Italian Emilio Giuseppe “Nino” Farina drives an Alfa Romeo to victory at England’s Silverstone Park in what is now recognized as the first Formula 1 Grand Prix ever staged. He became the sport’s first World Champion and scored many international victories in a long career. Farina died in 1966 in a French Alps road accident, while en route to the French Grand Prix for work as an adviser and driving double for Yves Montand in the film Grand Prix.

Nino Farina

May 13, 1972 — Popular actor Dan Blocker dies at age 49 from a pulmonary embolism. He is best remembered as Hoss Cartwright on the award-winning television western Bonanza. The show ran from 1959-1973. None of the Cartwrights survive.

TV’s Cartwright family, from left: Pernell Roberts (Adam), Michael Landon (Little Joe), Dan Blocker (Hoss) and patriarch Lorne Greene (Ben).

May 13, 2018 — Troubled actress Margot Kidder dies of an apparent suicide at age 69. Her career peaked as Lois Lane opposite Christopher “Clark Kent” Reeve in four big-screen Superman features. Both physical and mental illness made her later years difficult. She left behind a daughter and a body of work encompassing more than 100 films.

Margot Kidder and Christopher Reeve take Superman’s superpowers for a spin.
Their on-screen chemistry sold millions of tickets.

Security? We don’t need no stinkin’ security!

Following is a verbatim repost of a Facebook item that originated a year ago.

Every now and then I agree with me. Go figure.

Food for thought: Should we be concerned about hundreds of millions of packages mailed to the US every year with very loose inspection practices, and about immigration enforcement practices that have allowed millions of people to enter the US illegally and overstay their visas?

Would you allow your children to accept unknown packages without inspection, and to associate freely with complete strangers?

This is a 1960s photo of a boy entertaining himself with a toy grenade in New York Central Park. Might not end well in 2019.

If your latter answers are No and No on behalf of your family, I submit the former answers should be Yes and Yes on behalf of your nation and the rule of law.

If your answers are no on all counts, I hope you aren’t my parents or congressman.

There’s lots of room to discuss how we should go about securing ports, mailboxes and borders. But failing to do so is at best naive and irresponsible.

Uber Barr None

Turning Point USA promises us that no UberLib Clowns were harmed in production of this meme. However, we have confirmed that Ronald McDonald’s feelings were hurt badly.

Accordingly, we call for the immediate resignation of embattled Attorney General William Barr. Steni Hoyer says Barr should be ashamed of himself, and if it’s good enough for Nancy Pelosi’s Man Friday it’s good enough for us.

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