Month: April 2019

Phobics Unite … If you dare!

When I grow up, I want to be National Chairman of a new People’s Phobeaphobe Party.

Our philosophy: Everyone just loosen your sphincter a notch and laugh more … especially at yourself.

Our cornerstone phobia: We fear that people who won’t loosen their sphincters a notch, and who can’t laugh at themselves, won’t be sufficiently offended by our philosophy.

Our symbol at the Phobeaphobe Party is the Sphinx Cat, so loosen yours up and get on board.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, assorted scary stuff, miscellaneous fearsome situations, and being called hurtful names by boorish dweebs.

The fine print: We don’t like most politicians and even fewer sphynx doctors. We are allergic to donkey hair, elephant poop and green party eco hysteria. We like Russian salad dressing, Tolstoy, fancy Russkie fish eggs, Gorbachav’s rad birthmark and Vlad’s lats, but we promise that any Phobeaphobe collusion with Russians will not rise to the level of peach vodka.

Gorby is just ok by me.

We are not above fixing hockey games, but elections are sacrosanct. Phobeaphobia is a registered trademark of the People’s Phobeaphobe Party. Removing this tagline is a violation of federal law punishable by a private dance with Stormy Daniels. No cats or Soviets were harmed in creating this blog post.

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Thrill of the witch hunt

Kathryn Elizabeth ‘Kate’ Smith
RACIST WHO COULDN’T CARRY A TUNE

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the revisionist history, identity politics, double and triple standards and hypocritical thought police that dominate our society of late. What a person said, thought, or wore to a 1970s Halloween Party is seemingly more important than what they actually did yesterday. I find that problematical and unfair.

In our 21st century real-life remake of Destroy All Monsters, just about everyone is ripe to be exposed as a monster. And up for execution this week is none other than the late, no longer great Kate Smith.

Who could have imagined Kate “God Bless America” Smith mired in any posthumous controversy more consequential than a decibel derby against Ethyl Merman and Bette Midler? No one. But the big gal from Virginia, with the even bigger voice heard round the world in World War II, has been cast into the unforgiving glare of the politically correct spotlight.

Ms. Smith is being pilloried for songs she recorded not all that long after Mr. Edison first recorded songs. She is being banished from the American landscape for songs dating back 80-plus years. The lyrics caused not so much as a ripple in the 1930s, but would today be judged racist and offensive by any fair measure. Maybe it’s appropriate that we apply a 2019 yardstick to 1930s popular music. Or maybe it’s not.

I wonder when every politician who held a firm stance against same-sex marriage, say, 15 years ago, is going to be brought to justice in similar fashion. Which of today’s politicians would be in trouble if their public stances of 2004 were judged against 2019 social norms? Darn near all of them, including many who are all in on destroying Kate Smith’s legacy.

So, I guess I’m ok with Kate Smith being judged a racist, along with me and millions of others who are guilty of having racist birth dates. If we are going to self righteously judge our ancestors — not for their body of work but for cherry-picked actions taken out of context — let’s be consistent

Barack Obama & George W. Bush
HOMOPHOBES

Barack Obama and George W. Bush, along with Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer, must be forever branded as homophobes … along with virtually all of their contemporaries. What’s fair for one should be fair for all. 

Wayne Woodrow Hayes
MICHIGAN-PHOBE

Glenn Edward ‘Bo’ Schembechler Jr.
BUCKEYE-PHOBE

On the other hand, we could try something revolutionary: Shutting our self-righteous yaps and allowing common sense to prevail over the thrill of the witch hunt. We believe, wrongly I am inclined to think, that we are better, smarter, and more righteous than our ancestors. And that’s fine. We ‘re entitled to our fantasies. But when we’re raked over the coals, picked apart and condemned by all-knowing 22nd century snobs — and mark my words, we will be — we will deserve every lash of the tongue.

Fred Rogers
HATED CAPTAIN KANGAROO
(And Pullover Sweaters)

I’ll Grant you this

Ulysses S. Grant has his fair share of detractors.

Our 18th president and victorious Civil War commander has been called crude, stupid, and a drunk. I would suggest that his reputation for drinking, while based in truth, is overblown.

I think we should also bear in mind that Grant was, sober or otherwise, pretty good at killing enemies in war and at herding states from the White House. And he made quite a few insightful observations. Here’s one example of a Grant smartitude:

“Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you occasionally find men who disgrace labor.”

— U.S. Grant, 1877

Born in 1822 in Point Pleasant, Ohio, Grant died from throat cancer in New York 63 years later. And yes, tired old jokes aside, he really is buried in Grant’s Tomb, alongside his wife Julia Dent Grant.

Why the sudden fascination with Grant? Today marks his 197th birthday: A good day to contemplate what America would look like today if Abraham Lincoln hadn’t found — after numerous failed choices — the General to whup Bobby Lee’s Army of Virginia.

Don’t blame me, Dilbert did it

Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic strip, has posted a Tweet that may not set well with self-styled Trump haters and Never Trumpers:

“If you find yourself blaming President Trump for almost-sort-of-maybe intending to obstruct a witch hunt, you have a mental health crisis, not a political opinion.”

— Scott Adams

TRUMP GOING DOWN … AND SOON

In an incredible twist to the Russian Collusion saga, and just as it appeared Donald Trump’s victory lap was definitive, his daughter may have single handedly capsized his ship of state.

Ivanka Trump Kushner in disguise at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party. Her birthday message? The card allegedly read, “V. . .Love your guns. Can’t wait to collude. Lady I.”

Ivanka Trump is clearly a political provocateur, but it turns out she’s also an amateur artist who especially likes to draw caricatures. Inexplicably, she posted (then quickly removed) a self portrait on Instagram early Monday. It points an accusing finger at her poorly hidden enthusiasm for “one world order” progressivism.

The drawing suggests that Ivanka’s loyalties extend beyond our shores, but it’s the handwritten notes on the back that implicate the president and are, to say the least, explosive.

Here is the drawing. Don’t be fooled by the hair … it’s Ivanka all right … she’d rather be red than dead.

On the back of the crude water color work — which may prove to be President Trump’s blue impeachment dress — appears the following:

“If only V knew how much flexibility Daddy will have after his re-election, things would be better. SCM and pencil neck almost ruined everything! But once my sweet J meets with V all will be ok.

“V says he can deliver 6 million sanitized votes in all the right states. If he comes through like he did in Wis, Penn and NC in ’16, we have it in the bag. They call it collusion, but I call it politics: protecting the right of the dead to vote.

“J is planning to borrow one from that Clinton B-word’s playbook: Next month J and V will coincidentally have adjoining rooms at a hotel in M, same place where Daddy took all the incontinent hookers.

“They’ll talk about the grandkids, wink wink, and maybe the Kentucky Derby, nod nod, and J will slip V the dead guy SS numbers that Wiki’s JA laundered from MZ at FB. Daddy calls MZ the future Ambassador to the New USSR.

“Melania will be president after Daddy, then D Jr., then Bro E, and then Baron. But J and I will be in charge. One day, we’ll be like Bonaparte and Josephine. We’ll rule the world! We’ll build a Tower taller than the Tower of Babel, right on K Street in the heart of Marxington D.C. (next to new statues of Daddy and Uncle Nikita.)

“I can hardly contain my excitement! That’s why I painted myself hugging my Brave New World . . . The best present ever from Daddy.

“There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true we’ll make a better day, just you and me.”

April, 2019

Lady I

BELOW: Vladimir Putin in disguise as Hershel from The Walking Dead. Putin has bragged that Hershel, who was killed off not by zombies but by the evil Neegan, will vote early and often in 2020.

Also pictured: Jared Kushner, Special Advisor to the Colluder in Chief and Ivanka Trump’s Stud Muffin.

With the lid blown off machinations of Vladimir Putin and Jared Kushner, Mike Pence is in line to replace a soon-to-be disgraced Donald Trump.

Central Ohio call to action

What if your child was … suddenly … gone without a trace?

If you are located in Central Ohio, please try to clear your calendar a week from today, Monday, April 29, for an event all parents should know about.

New Directions, Knox County’s leading advocate for victims of domestic violence, is hosting a program on prevention of human trafficking.

Follow this link for specifics on the program at the Kenyon Wright Center (formerly Buckeye Candy), 400 South Main Street in Mount Vernon. The program begins at 4 p.m. and is scheduled for 90 minutes.

https://www.facebook.com/events/618306501926068/?ti=as

Robin Hood for DA

Texas District Attorney OKs robbing the rich

When John Creuzot ran for District Attorney of Dallas County he neglected to tell voters that if elected he’d be not just a prosecutor, but a legislator, judge and jury. Some were surprised when Creuzot took office in January and immediately set about making Dallas safer by emptying jail cells.

Law enforcement was not amused, but Creuzot insisted that ignoring “low level” crimes like drug possession provides more time to prosecute dangerous offenders. There’s some logic on both sides. Most agree it would be better to learn who’s buried in Oswald’s tomb than to nab gimpy granny for growing grass (medicinal, of course). In at least one aspect, though, Creuzot’s judgment seems a little twisted. Or a lot. In his words:

“Study after study shows that when we arrest, jail, and convict people for non-violent crimes committed out of necessity, we only prevent that person from gaining the stability necessary to lead a law-abiding life. Criminalizing poverty is counter-productive for our community’s health and safety. “

— John Creuzot

Based on that Sherwood Forest irrationale, Creuzot gives a pass to anyone who steals personal items valued at less than $750, “unless the evidence shows that the alleged theft was for economic gain.” In other words, theft is ok as a path to the American Dream provided the path is followed in increments of $749.

As a non-attorney, I should in fairness avoid legal terminology. Instead, I’ll opt for my big words: That, Mr. District Attorney, is STUPID!

Let’s take a moment and consider just one scenario. Jack needs a refrigerator, not to trade for drugs, but to keep his pickle loaf, spumoni and Yuingling cold. He can’t afford a fridge, so while his neighbor Jill is at work he swipes her vintage Amana. It looks to be worth about $300 bucks, and he really needs it. Jill calls the cops, and then things get low-level complicated.

  • Do the cops declare Jack innocent and arrest Jill for false testimony?
  • Jill insists that she too needs the fridge and can’t afford a new one. Now whaddya do, DA Solomon? Cut it in half?
  • Jill saw an Amana on American Pickers that Mike and Frank valued at $800 because it looked like Archie Bunker’s beer vault. Can Jack pay Jill the difference and keep the Amana, or does he leave in cuffs?
  • Does Creuzot have legal standing to propose redrafting the 8th Commandment to read, “Thou Shalt Only Steal Low-Level Stuff From People With High-Level Stuff?”

Creuzot’s resignation has been demanded by a number of law enforcement organizations. In an overnight telephone poll, however, 98 percent of petty thieves, 95 percent of illegal drug users and 50 percent of the American Pickers cast supported the District Attorney.

In Sherwood Forest, $750 US is equivalent to 577 British pounds.
The Sheriff of Nottingham still wants Robin Hood’s head.
A hefty bounty still stands.
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