From Ohio Department of Natural Resources
For immediate release
August 2, 2019 CE
WANG HUNTS ANNOUNCED
In response to disturbing information delivered to the American people by Democrat Presidential Candidate Andrew Wang, the Ohio DNR has pledged proactive efforts to provide the best possible 0hunting and fishing opportunities as our geography is radically altered by fossil fuel consumption and man-caused temperature rises.
Ohio is the nation’s 34th largest state, with 44,826 square miles, and is the 7th most populous. As of today, almost 9 percent of Ohio is water covered. Estimates range as high as 40 percent when climate experts ponder our earth by next year…or 20 years from now: That’s over 20,000 square miles of lakes, rivers and ponds by 2040.
“Some folks are concerned,” Commissioner Jimmy John Swim said, “but the highest point in Ohio is 1500 feet above sea level. So rather than a danger, we view climate change as a terrific boost to fishing in Grand Lake Ohio.”
Artist Rendition of new Ohio Department of Natural Resources Headquarters.
With millions of acres of Ohio repurposed from residential use and farming, the typical Ohio resident will transition to a diet heavy on walleye, catfish, watercress, algae supplements and other sustainable water-based0 food sources.
In honor of Wang, a leading proponent of angling for fish as well as wealth and power, Ohio is working on programs such as:
1. Go Fish Ohio Program. Ohioans are urged to learn all they can about fishing. Proposed advertising campaign: “Be a bottom feeder. Carp taste better than grubs.”
2. Eat Well Until Rescue Plan. Many Ohioans will find themselves surrounded by water when climate change melts all of the earth’s oceanic ice.
It will take time to resettle millions in the hills of Ohio and on repurposed highrise oil platforms.
In the interim, Swim says to eat local fish. Lots of local fish. Try rice farming for variety. And while water should be plentiful, boil before consumption to neutralize fossil fuel residues and fish poop.
Ohio DNR projects a boom in harvesting these little dudes for peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.
3. Hunt the New Ohio Program. New hunting seasons will be established for game including alligators, lizzards, eel and water snakes.
4. There’s Something Fishy in Ohio
Swim commented on rumors that Ohio DNR will team up with 2nd Amendment opponents to take advantage of climate change for an attack on gun ownership.
“It is possible that we will accept guns in return for fishing licenses,” he said, “but only as a courtesy to our residents. We believe it should not be utterly impossible for registered Democrats to own and license guns.”